I love Ptuj and most of its people, but that stink is going to stop.  So this is my rescue plan.

Over the last three years I have been shellshocked to discover that down in Slovenia they still believe in being decent to people.

Some of them have got this decency and truth mixed up with primitive beliefs in life after death and an all-powerful celestial creator, but superstition is everywhere.  In the UK we have horse-racing and a big lottery.

Anyway I'm all in favour of good deeds.  I just don't think the pedo pedlars of moralistic medicine ought to have a monopoly on doing good for the world.

Decent people don't pour down nasty smells on their neighbours.

Decent people are honest and tell the truth.

This website, using all the advanced keyword analysis and search engine optimisation techniques you would find in a professional tourism site, warns people in an honest, truthful way about the dirty and smelly air of Ptuj.

As this site becomes cross-referenced by other sites, news of the chicken factory's un-neighbourly behaviour will be found all over the Internet, which for the benefit of daft old winos is a new type of big book where you can go and read about everything.

Hopefully, potential tourists, home-buyers, investors and others with an interest in Slovenia will probably not come to Ptuj and therefore will not spend any money there

Businesses in Slovenia will lose the money which the rich foreigners, who all study things on this new-fangled Internet thing, would have spent.  Everyone will be poorer and I'm sorry about that.

The chicken factory's business rivals and vegetarians will seize upon the news.

The simple way to prevent this is to stop the smell.  

If they are daft old winos they'll try everything else. 

The chicken factory PR people will say that controls have improved on the past and that there will be an improvement in the future.  

It will go on smelling now.

Religious nuts will say that the smell is God's gift, or punishment, depending on their mood.

Atheists will see it as existential angst.

Rational-sounding politicians will appear on the Chicken Channel to argue that without the money from tourism there can be no environmental quality improvement.

But they will be just trying to brown-nose their industrial sponsors.  

We say: without the improvement there should be no tourism.  

And surely good Christian people wouldn't try to trick their guests in that way, would they?  

If I said you had to inhale chicken rejectamenta for some reason or other, what would you think of me?  

The people of Ptuj who breathe volatile organic compounds 365 days a year have priority over visitors who just sample the baroque atmosphere for a day or two.

Other kinds of politicians on the chicken gravy train will declare that foreigners have no right to tell the truth about Ptuj's smell and that the chicken factory is wonderful.  Some bright boys will hit on the idea of saying that we don't want foreign visitors anyway.

That will be very popular with the myopic racist idiots who form the majority of any population, I'm sure.  And I agree!  Go away, rich foreign tourists!

Believe me, readers, they'll try everything to keep the smell going.  Emotion, not science, is their chief weapon.

Meanwhile, dear tourists and investors, you are unfortunately advised not to come to Ptuj.  

After all, who would want to live, work or holiday next to a leaky rendering plant?*

Will it be worth going without the foreigners' money to prove the point that Slovenia and its smells will not be pushed around?

Well we'll see.

Perhaps the smell will hit back.  Slovenian policemen acting on the authority of a Slovenian judge might find a Slovenian law preventing attacks on Slovenia's smells and steal my computer.  Once again, don't waste your time, greedy winos.  The website will simply reappear somewhere else.

Then, after all these have failed, some way will miraculously be found to stop the horrible smell.

That, I can assure you, is simply a question of money and if that means 10 cents on the cost of a chicken then I think even the Serbian customers can cope.

The essence of the plan for a smell-free Ptuj will now be presented in the form of a guarantee:

When the smell restarts the website will of course come back again, and the tourist and investor numbers will once more start to drop.  

See how easy that is?

This procedure will continue until there is a permanent result.

I'm sorry if you go bankrupt or your children starve while we're waiting for this to happen.

I hope you understand that these things are necessary for the greater good, in the long run.

Now kindly stop the smell.





*Germans.  Please note that in Phase I only English-reading tourists will be affected.  German tourists will continue as usual.  However if you are generally in favour of not destroying the atmosphere and know some other languages please let me know!

The internet does not support the transmission of smells.  However you could visit your nearest rendering plant to see what it smells like.  Click here to support Environmental Non-Tourism and Environmental Non-Investment. Choose any Slovenian business expert to explain that you don't want to go to Ptuj if it smells of chewed-up chicken shit, boiled bones, ground gizzards, broken beaks, fetid feet and lingering litter. Which it does. Click here now to self-select one email address at random and write a brief note explaining that you won't be coming. Everyone in Slovenia will hear about your message within a week.