Jobs to go, wages down, shit to hit fan unless chickenisation increases

Chicken chiefs in race for a smellier future


Workers at Ptuj’s chicken plant will face wage cuts and redundancy without more chickenisation of the town’s air supply, says a management report.

There has been muttering going on for some time concerning the factory’s ability to maintain optimally foul levels of fowl in the air supply to the town centre, with worried residents reporting an “almost pleasant aroma a bit like gravy” and occasional days with almost no smell at all. 

In a memo from bosses workers have now been told public perception of the plant as a viable agrobusiness depends on a vile honk.

Take that away, a consultant’s report warns, and you could see people becoming uneasy and making comments, such as “What are they doing over there, I can’t smell anything?” and “I suppose these days in food companies they just muck about in test kitchens and offices.  In my day we used to kill the chickens by biting them and then rip out the innards with our teeth, as many as 800,000 before breakfast.  Those were the days.”

If the smell was there before, and now it’s reduced or gone, obviously there is some overstaffing, the report argues.

Vice-Chairman For Nasal Dissemination Dr Janja Glaser said everything from professional poultry poo sniffers to data on wind direction and river temperature are used to ensure Ptuj residents are not denied the benefits of a robust local smell.

“Independent tourism research by psychologists at Glaser Laboratories shows that our smell is the number one thing that sticks in people’s mind about Ptuj. 

“In fact it sticks to everything.  Ptuj has such a memorable atmosphere and it would be a tragedy if chickenisation were to dwindle or stall, causing visitors to return a second or third time, wasting valuable hotel space.”

There was no evidence of widespread public opposition to chickenisation of public air, she went on.

“Ptuj Postmistress Ida Glaser provided the following statistics for the chickenised population’s mail for the year 2007.  

"Threats to kill chicken factory staff, 0.  Envelopes containing doo-doo, 0.  Threats to interfere with products on sale, 0.  Nasty letters about animal welfare from some village girls wearing black clothes and lots of eye makeup, 14.  

"This tiny minority proves the popularity of public air chickenisation.”

”With the indoor smoking ban now in force and the growth in farting vegetarians we are facing new challenges in municipal aromatization,” says the memo.  

“There is a chance people will forget about us if they don’t receive regular reminders.”

Staff at the company’s offices, nowhere near the production plant, had themselves been sometimes unable to get a reliable feeling that chicken manufacture was proceeding at a normal pace, due to the odour deficiency. 

Office workers celebrated as Ms Glaser unveiled a new scratch-n-sniff plaque in the lobby of the company’s offices.  Air is piped in across town directly from the vertically integrated crude fat tank.

The plaque bears the inscription ”Your olfactory luvs our ol’ factory!” a motto management hopes will encourage office staff to stay in touch with the firm's core smell-generating values, and reinforce their company loyalty, along with the regular Polkapop piss-ups.

Approving the report unanimously, the Board dismissed rumours that a dissenting member had claimed that cleaning up pollution makes money, and had described the chickenisation program as unsavoury, depressing and likely to make both the company and the town poorer and unpopular.

Referring to rumours of a Board split over chickenisation, a spokesman said that a person was removed from a minor company meeting after a row about an inheritance and that his wife, brothers and sisters, and parents, grandparents and cousins and friends were no longer talking to him. 

He was presently recovering well at the Glaser Asylum for the Feeble-Minded.



The internet does not support the transmission of smells.  However you could visit your nearest rendering plant to see what it smells like.  Click here to support Environmental Non-Tourism and Environmental Non-Investment. Choose any Slovenian business expert to explain that you don't want to go to Ptuj if it smells of chewed-up chicken shit, boiled bones, ground gizzards, broken beaks, fetid feet and lingering litter. Which it does. Click here now to self-select one email address at random and write a brief note explaining that you won't be coming. Everyone in Slovenia will hear about your message within a week.